Couples and reactive, reciprocal cycles
"Couples find themselves in reactive cycles that are escalating and taking up more space in their relationship."
"We act in ways to protect the self and in my view, a large part of therapy is to actually look at those strategies and begin to question and modify them...to disarm their survival strategies, to put down their shields and talk in more direct and genuine ways about their fears, needs, and yearnings..."
"...becoming intentional in the ways that we relate to our partner and not always relating in automatic ways...helping couples move from reactivity to reflection."
Source: Michele Scheinkman discussing The Vulnerability Cycle on The Ackerman Podcast
"...desire, like hunger and sleep, cannot be willed, forced, or simply negotiated; it must arise out of a context of optimal conditions...I think that it is possible for couples to reconcile attachment and desire in their long-term relationships, but only when they are able to create a context for desire to thrive, even if only intermittently. This context must include the delicate balance of separateness and togetherness, responsibility and freedom, and transparency and mystery...Separateness, privacy, and mystery do not need to be dirty words in couple relationships; for many couples, these are actually the missing ingredients needed to foster or maintain passion." p. 240
Source: Scheinkman, Michele (2005). Beyond the trauma of betrayal: Reconsidering affairs in couple therapy. Family Process, 44(2).
I love to read and I am often moved by the words and insights of others. Here is a collection of thoughts, reflections, and ideas that resonate with me and inform my therapy work.